"Lord you’ve placed me in these positions for a reason. you’ve not forgotten me. where i’ve been is not in vain. and now i burn. i burn with a passion for what is important. for the overlooked parts of your heart father for what you deem important. not anything that people prosper from. i want your kingdom to come. i want authentic gospel truth to reign. no riches no idols no king’s no greater no lesser. love for all. equally beautiful. equally forgiven. equally loved and accepted. i burn for the ones who feel abandoned. i burn for the ones who have hurt like hell, been mistreated, the ones who have lost hope, who feel utterly alone in this broken world. shake the ones who look away from these harsh realities. shake the hard hearts and the comfortable beings. shake me. shake me to the core. break my heart for what breaks yours God."
-a note from my Evernote, October 4, 2018
I have not always felt like i've had a purpose. I am sure a lot of people out there feel they have no purpose. Maybe you're one of them. But I am here to tell you today, friend, if that is your truth, then you are believing a lie. What you are thinking to be true does not align with the mind of Christ. And maybe your like me where you say you have purpose and you know that to be true, but you have certainly gone through many many many days when you don't live like it.
It is important to recognize the enemy's role in this. Satan rejoices when he tricks us into thinking we are useless, purposeless, and worst of all, worthless. If we become immobilized by the thought that we don't have a significant role in this life, we become apathetic. Apathy is actually the worst, you guys. Like the absolute worst. When we believe that all that we are and all that we do is for no greater good, then it's game over. This mindset may begin with a lack of motivation, but it can leave us feeling ultimately purposeless.
Apathy is a lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern. It is not the same thing as doing nothing or staying still. We could be doing every little thing, but with little concern for the reason behind it. We are human beings, not human doings. We are not here to do things just to stay busy. We are here to rest and work and be intentional with our lives and the positions God has called us to. First and foremost we must want to be with God.
I go through seasons, like anyone fully human does, when it feels like there's just no point to any of it all. I get impatient and I question, "Why am I here?". I doubt and I wonder, "Will I ever make it past this?" I get weary and I think, "I just can't do this anymore". My name actually means weary, and a good portion of my life I think it fits. But I find myself in these solemn moments, because I am forgetting the bigger picture I am a part of. I am forgetting the larger narrative that God has for me and how He wants to use me for His glory. I realize that I have been relying on my own strength and making my own plans and the next thing I know, I am purely exhausted.
I have to remember that my God is in the business of restoration. He is the One who makes beauty from ashes. He will always redeem the parts of me that don't make sense to me why they are there. The things that confuse me and have me questioning are not a hindrance to God. He not only cleanses me, but He wants to use me and all of my brokenness. But I myself just need to be willing to face those dark parts of myself deep within. I have to be willing to let God into those parts. Because that is the only way to heal.
Acknowledge the brokenness.
Allow healing to begin.
It's scary and even paradoxical.
A God who sees the darkest parts of me, wants to use that for His beautiful new creation. Like, really? That's the medium that the most amazing artist who ever lived wants to use for His most astonishing works? The dust on the ground?? How contrary.... But no, it's exciting!! He sees the absolute darkest, dirtiest, shameful, and broken parts of me and my story and He leans into me and then chooses to love me in spite of all of that. In fact it's only in those deep parts of me that I am truly known and therefore loved. And it is no ordinary love. It is the only real and unconditional love there is and ever was and ever will be. It the love of God. And it's such a paradox to me.
I am finding my purpose as I rest in His truth. And that is what I encourage you to do, my dear. Healing will come. Breathe and know You are loved by the Creator of all things. Hard to believe? Probably. But I am praying that you will find the assurance from the Holy Spirit Himself to embody these truths.