For the Survivor
I’ve dreamt I’m drowning in a hurricane
and your the one who rescues me
But then I call myself crazy
'cause that’s the farthest from reality.
This entire song was based on a dream I had. What I believe is true about most dreams is that they are based on reality. The reality of your mind's perception. There’s a reason you dream what you dream.
"Please Get Out of My Head" is a song I wrote after waking up from a very vivid dream. I came to the conclusion that this dream was an embodiment of the battle you face within yourself after someone who you thought you could trust does you terribly wrong. It shakes you to the core. And what causes the most heartache is when that person does you wrong time and time again until you feel you can no anyone and you can longer trust yourself. And then if you are made to believe that you are actually the one subjecting yourself to the hurt, you believe you have no choice but to blame yourself. And more often then not you end up hating yourself as the confusion eats up your mind.
This is a brief synopsis of the cycle of an abusive relationship.
Psychological, emotional, physical, sexual... Any form of abuse is severely harmful to the mind, body, and soul.
I simply wrote this song to recognize symptoms you face as a survivor of trauma and abuse: confusion, self doubt, and an inability to trust yourself. Part of you refuses to believe that the one person you thought you could trust could do you wrong. And once they do, it seems unreal to believe in trusting anyone else. And the more this happens, the more this idea is imprinted on you. Your identity and your story become tainted with the idea that you are worth less than you actually are. You believe you are inherently worthless.
My story (Which I will share at some point) was a long and complex process before even recognizing and coming to terms with the trauma I had faced. This trauma resulted in immense confusion, a complete inability to trust myself and others, as well as an incredible amount of shame and brokenness. I have come so so far from where I was and it has been a long process of healing. And it required quite a bit of patience with myself and whole lot of God's grace. Jesus is undoubtedly the reason I am where I am today.
If you are a trauma survivor, a victim of assault, or relational abuse of any form, I want you to recognize that you are not alone and I want you to feel validated. If toxicity has been your reality for such a long time that it has become comfortable, it is not too late to move out of the darkness and step into light. You were made for more. You are worth more. You are worthy of love and trust.
Healing is a process. Be patient with yourself. One thing I've learned is you cannot rush the process. I believe God puts people in your life to help expedite it and make it a less panful, more fluent process. But it is a long and complex process. I will write more about the process of healing in the future. But I just want to say do not ever give up hope on this process.
“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”
― Fred Rogers